| From: Tomato | 7/20/2024 2:16:56 PM | | | | | | What do the GOP convention and Garrett Stubbs of the Cincinnati Reds have in common?
They’re both really good at bunting. |
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| From: Tomato | 7/24/2024 1:48:08 PM | | | | | | I told my wife I'll love her 24/7
Well today's the day.
....
I didn’t get this joke because I’m American......
Just to explain, in a lot of countries outside of America, people love their wives. |
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| From: Tomato | 7/27/2024 5:29:17 PM | | | | | | Ya know what they say about getting older……..
Yeah, I don't remember either.
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What did the Asian parent say to his kid when he was stung by a bee?!
Why wasn't it an A?!!!
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Two boys were talking, and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money."
The other boy asked, "How?"
The first boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy then went to his dad and said, "I know your secret!"
His dad replied, "Please don't tell your mom. Here's $10."
Next, the boy ran to his mom and said, "I know your secret!"
His mom said, "Please don't tell your dad. Here's $15."
Finally, the boy tried it on the mailman, saying, "I know your secret!"
The mailman opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!” |
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| From: Tomato | 7/30/2024 2:36:54 PM | | | | | | My friend Jay recently had twin daughters and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
—
have an STD.
She gave me her peas.
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| From: Tomato | 8/1/2024 2:28:17 PM | | | | | | When I was a teenager, my friend and I masturbated to some hard core dinosaur porn.
Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
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At my age, I have social security sex:
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/5/2024 1:11:29 PM | | | | | | I keep hearing about this new porn movie called "Debby Does Daytona”
but all I'm finding are videos about some stupid hurricane.
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I found my first gray pubic hair, normally this
sort of thing doesn't bother me, but it was on my Big Mac.
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“There has been a lot of burglaries in London recently. Any advice, Dr. Watson?”
Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock Homes.
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What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They’re right, we do taste like chicken!
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| From: Tomato | 8/8/2024 2:26:07 PM | | | | | | Teacher: "What have you decided to draw ?"
Little Johnny: "I'm drawing God.”
Teacher: "But no one knows what God looks like.”
Johnny: "They will in a minute.”
—
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?”
—
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!”
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| From: Tomato | 8/9/2024 3:43:55 PM | | | | | | How does Gov. Rockefeller get up every morning?
Feeling Happy.
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Who’s the worst carpenter in England?
Kristine Keeler….one screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.
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What did John John get for Christmas?
A Jack-in-the-box.
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What’ll it take to get the Beatles back together?
3 more bullets. (now it’s 2 more)
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JFK jokes:
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...
She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.
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I just found out JFK was jewish.
He was shot in the temple.
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What did JFK say about his multiple affairs?
"I did them not because they were easy, but because I was hard.”
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There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe. |
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