| From: Tomato | 7/9/2024 1:42:02 PM | | | | | | I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year.
Now I have to deal with all the emotional baggage.
—
I heard that one of those "adult film" starlets was making a world record attempt in our town.
You know, the kind where she bumps uglies with as many men as possible in an hour.
Outraged, I went to see if I could do something about it. When I got to the hall where it was going on, I saw a queue of about 450 men waiting their turn. My stomach turned at the disgusting carnal display.
All of a sudden I was filled with righteous wrath and I set upon those lust-filled demons with the strength of twenty men. One after another the men in the queue were laid low by my mighty fists, as it was in the days of Samson.
And nobody was laughing when I was done. I guess I punched up the fuck line. |
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| From: Tomato | 7/9/2024 8:59:27 PM | | | | | | "I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.
It turns out I'm not remotely funny.”
—
A British anthropologist was doing research in a primitive African village and was impressed while watching a trial of a person accused of theft. He noted that witnesses were being questioned by a prosecuting and defense team and that a judge was overseeing and adjudicating the trial, very similar to how it is done in the United Kingdom.
But one curious thing was that every once in a while, a naked woman would run through the courtroom, seemingly having nothing to do with the trial. After it was over, he questioned the judge about this. “Well, you see,” said the judge, “we have thoroughly studied the records of the British trials and there is invariably a reference to an ‘excited titter’ running through the gallery.” |
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| From: Tomato | 7/20/2024 2:16:56 PM | | | | | | What do the GOP convention and Garrett Stubbs of the Cincinnati Reds have in common?
They’re both really good at bunting. |
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| From: Tomato | 7/24/2024 1:48:08 PM | | | | | | I told my wife I'll love her 24/7
Well today's the day.
....
I didn’t get this joke because I’m American......
Just to explain, in a lot of countries outside of America, people love their wives. |
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| From: Tomato | 7/27/2024 5:29:17 PM | | | | | | Ya know what they say about getting older……..
Yeah, I don't remember either.
—
What did the Asian parent say to his kid when he was stung by a bee?!
Why wasn't it an A?!!!
—
Two boys were talking, and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money."
The other boy asked, "How?"
The first boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy then went to his dad and said, "I know your secret!"
His dad replied, "Please don't tell your mom. Here's $10."
Next, the boy ran to his mom and said, "I know your secret!"
His mom said, "Please don't tell your dad. Here's $15."
Finally, the boy tried it on the mailman, saying, "I know your secret!"
The mailman opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!” |
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| From: Tomato | 7/30/2024 2:36:54 PM | | | | | | My friend Jay recently had twin daughters and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
—
have an STD.
She gave me her peas.
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| From: Tomato | 8/1/2024 2:28:17 PM | | | | | | When I was a teenager, my friend and I masturbated to some hard core dinosaur porn.
Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
—
At my age, I have social security sex:
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/5/2024 1:11:29 PM | | | | | | I keep hearing about this new porn movie called "Debby Does Daytona”
but all I'm finding are videos about some stupid hurricane.
—
I found my first gray pubic hair, normally this
sort of thing doesn't bother me, but it was on my Big Mac.
—
“There has been a lot of burglaries in London recently. Any advice, Dr. Watson?”
Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock Homes.
—
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They’re right, we do taste like chicken!
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| From: Tomato | 8/8/2024 2:26:07 PM | | | | | | Teacher: "What have you decided to draw ?"
Little Johnny: "I'm drawing God.”
Teacher: "But no one knows what God looks like.”
Johnny: "They will in a minute.”
—
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?”
—
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!”
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