| From: Tomato | 5/24/2024 12:42:33 PM | | | | | | I had that Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation procedure recently.
My mental health is better, but if I walk too close to the refrigerator, my head sticks to the door.
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A young man goes into the Job Centre in New York, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination.
There's an annual salary of $175,000, but you're going to have to go to Los Angeles - the other side of the country.”
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?" The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now.”
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/29/2024 2:18:26 PM | | | | | | I feel terrible.
If I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my best friend would still be alive.
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The odds of you dying on your way to purchase a lottery ticket are greater than the odds of you winning the jackpot. |
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| From: Skeezicks | 5/31/2024 3:25:46 PM | | | | | | Chicken Sandwiches
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said, 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter sandwiches. He said to the little girl. 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches also. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her! She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and Giblets!!!!' |
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| From: Tomato | 6/6/2024 1:54:22 PM | | | | | | She: “Undress me with your words”
He: “There is a spider in your bra.”
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The greatest act of cooperation in human history:
Is that 1000 islands could all agree on a single salad dressing.
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A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking blonde behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.”
The blonde replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
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| From: Tomato | 6/14/2024 2:11:34 PM | | | | | | Just bought a flatscreen for my grandson.
He tells me he is now a proud member of the LGTV community.
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So they're this guy, and his best friend in the world is his pet duck.
So they're this guy, and his best friend in the world is his pet duck. Takes it everywhere he goes.
One day, he goes to the movie theater, and the lady selling tickets says, "Hard no, you're not taking that duck into my theater!" So he goes around the corner and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants, and sneaks him into the movie.
About 20 minutes into the movie, the duck starts getting restless and squirming around. So the guy unzips his pants so the duck can stick his head out and breathe.
The lady sitting next to him elbows her husband and says, "Honey, the guy next to me just unzipped his pants!”
"Just ignore him, honey.”
"But his thiiing is sticking out!”
"Just ignore him, honey.”
"Well I would, but it's eating my popcorn!”
—
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?
Also, my IQ test came back positive.
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