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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato	6/15/2024 4:25:35 AM
	of 5978

Why did the gynecologist become a gardener? Because he had a knack for examining tulips. — At Friday night's services, Morris asks his friend Irving. "I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?" Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to?" Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago.”

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From: Tomato	6/21/2024 3:18:06 PM
	1 Recommendation of 5978

Taylor Swift wrote over 500 songs about breakups and 0 songs about blowjobs. Coincidence ? I think not.

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From: Tomato	6/25/2024 2:18:14 PM
	of 5978

An Alabaman man and his wife are in a car accident. The wife dies at the scene and the man is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the man and says "I can't operate on this man, he is my husband." How can this be? The man has two sisters

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From: Tomato	6/30/2024 6:47:40 PM
	of 5978

Lorena Bobbit dead in car accident. Some dick cut her off. — A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.” — If you thought the debate was bad, You REALLY won't like the swimsuit competition!!!

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From: Tomato	7/1/2024 2:25:00 PM
	of 5978

When I was much younger, I had a massive sex drive. My girlfriend lived 450 miles away. — My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable hot 22 year old sister was sitting next to me. few moments later she whispered in my ear “we should have sex while my sister isn't home.” I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing next to the car. She had a huge smile on her face, hugged me, and exclaimed “you've won my trust!” Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car! — My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships." I replied, "That's 15 love.” — I was sitting in a bathroom stall doing my business, when suddenly the guy in the next stall... asks “Hey man, how are you doing?" A little confused I replied: “good, I guess.” To my surprise the guy continued with: "What ya doin'?" Despite being even more confused I manage to mumble: “Oh. I guess the same as you." Without any hesitation in his voice he said: "Cool. Do you want me to come over and help you out?" A bit scared, I replied as firmly as I could: "Hey man, I really appreciate the offer and all, but I am not into that kinda stuff and doing all fine here and......" …before I could finish my sentence the guy said: "Hang on a minute John, there is this weird guy in the neighbour stall, who is replying to eveything I say."

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From: Tomato	7/2/2024 1:07:36 PM
	of 5978

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.” — A visit to an antique shop will not turn you gay but it may make you buy curios. — Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend... Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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From: Tomato	7/2/2024 1:08:55 PM
	of 5978

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute... He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s £250. He says, “ £250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy! “She says, “Honey, follow me" and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blwjob. She says "it’s £500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blwjobs. I give the best blw jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pssy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”....

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From: Tomato	7/7/2024 2:40:30 AM
	of 5978

A woman was very afraid about the size of her opening Both her and her partner took a mutual vow of celibacy until they were married. Before their wedding, she tells her mother, "I'm so big down there, John will divorce me when he finds out.” Her mother replies, "Don't worry, sweetheart. It runs in the family. Do what I did with your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, and put it in there. He'll never know the difference.” She takes her mother's advice and they have 6 hours of passionate sex on their wedding night. She wakes up the next morning and he's not home, but a note from him on the night table reads: "Good morning, my sweet. To think that we saved our lovemaking until after we were married. Our heavenly relationship makes my heart beat so loudly, I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up! I’m working overtime today to save up for us to have a lovely house on the beach. And we'll have dogs and beautiful children. When my work day is over, I'll rush home so I can take you in a warm, lingering embrace. Your loving husband, John. P.S Your cunt is in the sink."

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From: Tomato	7/8/2024 1:20:33 PM
	of 5978

Apology written in dots and dashes:Apology written in dots and dashes: Re-morse code. — According to Archimedes, what happens when a body is immersed in water? Usually the phone rings. — Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

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From: Tomato	7/9/2024 1:42:02 PM
	of 5978

I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year. Now I have to deal with all the emotional baggage. — I heard that one of those "adult film" starlets was making a world record attempt in our town. You know, the kind where she bumps uglies with as many men as possible in an hour. Outraged, I went to see if I could do something about it. When I got to the hall where it was going on, I saw a queue of about 450 men waiting their turn. My stomach turned at the disgusting carnal display. All of a sudden I was filled with righteous wrath and I set upon those lust-filled demons with the strength of twenty men. One after another the men in the queue were laid low by my mighty fists, as it was in the days of Samson. And nobody was laughing when I was done. I guess I punched up the fuck line.

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