| From: Tomato | 6/6/2024 1:54:22 PM | | | | | | She: “Undress me with your words”
He: “There is a spider in your bra.”
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The greatest act of cooperation in human history:
Is that 1000 islands could all agree on a single salad dressing.
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A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking blonde behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.”
The blonde replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
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| From: Tomato | 6/14/2024 2:11:34 PM | | | | | | Just bought a flatscreen for my grandson.
He tells me he is now a proud member of the LGTV community.
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So they're this guy, and his best friend in the world is his pet duck.
So they're this guy, and his best friend in the world is his pet duck. Takes it everywhere he goes.
One day, he goes to the movie theater, and the lady selling tickets says, "Hard no, you're not taking that duck into my theater!" So he goes around the corner and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants, and sneaks him into the movie.
About 20 minutes into the movie, the duck starts getting restless and squirming around. So the guy unzips his pants so the duck can stick his head out and breathe.
The lady sitting next to him elbows her husband and says, "Honey, the guy next to me just unzipped his pants!”
"Just ignore him, honey.”
"But his thiiing is sticking out!”
"Just ignore him, honey.”
"Well I would, but it's eating my popcorn!”
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I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?
Also, my IQ test came back positive.
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| From: Tomato | 6/15/2024 4:25:35 AM | | | | | | Why did the gynecologist become a gardener?
Because he had a knack for examining tulips.
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At Friday night's services, Morris asks his friend Irving.
"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago.” |
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| From: Tomato | 6/21/2024 3:18:06 PM | | | | | | Taylor Swift wrote over 500 songs about breakups and 0 songs about blowjobs.
Coincidence ? I think not. |
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| From: Tomato | 6/25/2024 2:18:14 PM | | | | | | An Alabaman man and his wife are in a car accident. The wife dies at the scene and the man is rushed to the hospital.
At the hospital the surgeon looks at the man and says "I can't operate on this man, he is my husband."
How can this be?
The man has two sisters
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| From: Tomato | 6/30/2024 6:47:40 PM | | | | | | Lorena Bobbit dead in car accident.
Some dick cut her off.
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”
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If you thought the debate was bad,
You REALLY won't like the swimsuit competition!!!
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| From: Tomato | 7/1/2024 2:25:00 PM | | | | | | When I was much younger, I had a massive sex drive.
My girlfriend lived 450 miles away.
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My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable hot 22 year old sister was sitting next to me.
few moments later she whispered in my ear “we should have sex while my sister isn't home.”
I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car.
I found my girlfriend standing next to the car. She had a huge smile on her face, hugged me, and exclaimed “you've won my trust!”
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships."
I replied, "That's 15 love.”
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I was sitting in a bathroom stall doing my business, when suddenly the guy in the next stall...
asks “Hey man, how are you doing?"
A little confused I replied: “good, I guess.”
To my surprise the guy continued with: "What ya doin'?"
Despite being even more confused I manage to mumble: “Oh. I guess the same as you."
Without any hesitation in his voice he said: "Cool. Do you want me to come over and help you out?"
A bit scared, I replied as firmly as I could: "Hey man, I really appreciate the offer and all, but I am not into that kinda stuff and doing all fine here and......"
…before I could finish my sentence the guy said: "Hang on a minute John, there is this weird guy in the neighbour stall, who is replying to eveything I say."
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| From: Tomato | 7/2/2024 1:07:36 PM | | | | | | At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
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A visit to an antique shop will not turn you gay
but it may make you buy curios.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend... Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words...........
B.I.G.T.I.T.S. |
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