| From: Tomato | 5/18/2024 1:34:42 PM | | | | | | A doctor asked his nurse is she had attended the urology convention
She said, “I watched the live stream.” |
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| From: Tomato | 5/19/2024 2:46:12 PM | | | | | | A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The girls asks the shepherd how experienced he is.
He starts counting and falls asleep.
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A little girl asks her mom "Before I was born, did you want a little boy or a little girl?”.
That mom says "I just wanted a back rub”.
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How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.
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What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit.
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What's the difference between (enter favorite hated celebrity or politician, e.g.Marjorie Taylor Greene) and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch .
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What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
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A girl walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendres.
He gave it to her.
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What's the difference between your mom and and a Walrus?
One has a mustache and smells like fish. The other is a Walrus. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/20/2024 1:24:29 PM | | | | | | If Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's
sandwich, they both might be alive today.
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks
away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called.”
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The wife is in labor and screaming in pain. The husband is holding her hand.
Husband: I’m very sorry you are going through this pain.
Wife: Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.
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| From: Tomato | 5/21/2024 1:26:21 PM | | | | | | The Wire was the first show where a character stated their pronouns.
Clay's pronouns were she/it. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/24/2024 12:42:33 PM | | | | | | I had that Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation procedure recently.
My mental health is better, but if I walk too close to the refrigerator, my head sticks to the door.
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A young man goes into the Job Centre in New York, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination.
There's an annual salary of $175,000, but you're going to have to go to Los Angeles - the other side of the country.”
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?" The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now.”
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/29/2024 2:18:26 PM | | | | | | I feel terrible.
If I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my best friend would still be alive.
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The odds of you dying on your way to purchase a lottery ticket are greater than the odds of you winning the jackpot. |
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| From: Skeezicks | 5/31/2024 3:25:46 PM | | | | | | Chicken Sandwiches
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said, 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter sandwiches. He said to the little girl. 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches also. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her! She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and Giblets!!!!' |
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