| From: Tomato | 5/12/2024 5:25:08 PM | | | | | | We had a great dinner on Mother's Day
We had a great dinner on Mother's Day.
After the family finished, Mom started doing the dishes.
Dad said, "Honey, this is Mother's Day. You don't have to do that. Save them for tomorrow/
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The doctor told me that a banana a day could help me clean my colon.
It turned out that I was supposed to eat them. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/15/2024 2:01:39 PM | | | | | | A new study explored the pornography preference of people in each country.
Now we can finally see what this world is coming to.
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Guy goes into a brothel...
Says to the Madame, "I want something kinky!"
So she takes him to a room with a bare wood floor, and a tiny light bulb hanging on a string. In the middle is a milk crate with a chicken sitting on it.
Guy says, "Are you serious?"
Madame says, "You've already paid. I don't care what you do. Take it or leave it.
So he decides to go for it. He has a great time. The bird is clucking, flapping its wings, flailing its legs and the guy is loving it.
He goes back a few days later and asks for the same.
Madame says, "That room is booked solid today, but I have something else you'll like."
She takes him to a room where there's a bunch of people sitting around a two way mirror. On the other side of it is a huge lesbian orgy, with whips, chains, shaving cream and toys everywhere.
Guy sits down and says, "Wow this is amazing!"
Old man next to him replies, "You think this is amazing? Last week there was a guy in there fucking a chicken!" |
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| From: Tomato | 5/16/2024 12:53:56 PM | | | | | | There was a lesser known Roman Emperor who was blessed by Apollo that he would never grow older than 20.
Emperor Constant Teen.
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What happened to Tom Petty’s band after he passed away?
Now they are just Heartbroken.
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| From: Tomato | 5/18/2024 1:34:42 PM | | | | | | A doctor asked his nurse is she had attended the urology convention
She said, “I watched the live stream.” |
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| From: Tomato | 5/19/2024 2:46:12 PM | | | | | | A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The girls asks the shepherd how experienced he is.
He starts counting and falls asleep.
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A little girl asks her mom "Before I was born, did you want a little boy or a little girl?”.
That mom says "I just wanted a back rub”.
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How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.
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What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit.
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What's the difference between (enter favorite hated celebrity or politician, e.g.Marjorie Taylor Greene) and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch .
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What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
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A girl walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendres.
He gave it to her.
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What's the difference between your mom and and a Walrus?
One has a mustache and smells like fish. The other is a Walrus. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/20/2024 1:24:29 PM | | | | | | If Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's
sandwich, they both might be alive today.
—
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks
away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called.”
—
The wife is in labor and screaming in pain. The husband is holding her hand.
Husband: I’m very sorry you are going through this pain.
Wife: Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.
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| From: Tomato | 5/21/2024 1:26:21 PM | | | | | | The Wire was the first show where a character stated their pronouns.
Clay's pronouns were she/it. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/24/2024 12:42:33 PM | | | | | | I had that Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation procedure recently.
My mental health is better, but if I walk too close to the refrigerator, my head sticks to the door.
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A young man goes into the Job Centre in New York, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination.
There's an annual salary of $175,000, but you're going to have to go to Los Angeles - the other side of the country.”
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?" The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now.”
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. |
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| From: Tomato | 5/29/2024 2:18:26 PM | | | | | | I feel terrible.
If I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my best friend would still be alive.
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The odds of you dying on your way to purchase a lottery ticket are greater than the odds of you winning the jackpot. |
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